damn red sox. why does everyone only care about the red sox and cubs, numbers 1 and 3 all time for longest period without world series? the GOOD sox are number 2!!! all time! longer than the red sox! wouldnt the balck sox scandal seem to be more curseworthy than a stupid player sale or a fucking goat, anyway? god DAMMIT im pissed

so to cheer myself up, allow me to explain the funniest thing ive seen in a long time.

me and my roommate watch two episodes of clone high every night. last night we saw episode 7, "Plane Crazy, Gate Expectations." in it ghandi discovers he has "the gift of rhyme" and becomes a hugely popular rapper. his hit song, recorded with jfk, consists of these lines and nothing more:

G spot rocks the G spot! G spot rocks the G spot! Whats my name??!? (G SPOT!) What do i rock?!?!? (THE G SPOT!)

REVIEW
Clone High (Again)
5 Stars (Out of 5)

it just gets better and better. what a show. and it was cancelled because GWB is evil. no joke, he demanded it be cancelled. the exact quote, if i remember correctly, was, "i'm GWB and i insist you cancel that hilarious show 'clone high.' why? WHY??? because i'm evil, dumbass!"

....the exact quote, seriously.

the gurdge. its not about gurdging at all, really. dissapointing. my class has 25 hw assignments a night. its hard. aparently my car was fine. im going to buy a new car stereo for it....
...
...
...
...look, im bored and tired. and i dont have class tomorrow. in the morning, anyway. fuck the blog tonight. i want to review the gurdge, because its a funny name for a movie..."gurdge".... but im gonna do it on my lj or not at all. whatever. good night, you bastards!

REVIEW
Howie Mandel
2 Stars (Out of 5)

that bump on the noggin cant be good for his brain function. in the short term, anyway.

good news, everybody: im back in my element!

that's right, im in a spanish class! that means SPANISH WORKBOOKS!

i'm sure you'll all recall that i was at my finest at the end of jr. year when i had a great spanish workbook with tons of drawings for me to deface. or what about sr. year, when i did that awesome shipwreck thing? i should have hit the new yorker up with that shit.

oh, also, aparently i subscribe to the new yorker now. i guess i have to buy a bmw.

REVIEW
the new yorker
4 Stars (Out of 5)

drunk guy: i'm ted johnson and i approve this drink!

anyone notice that i passed 100 posts earlier this week? fukyea. be excited.

also

i have a toyota corolla! its one of those magical things that represents a boy turning into a man: the purchase of his second car. my voice dropped a little today, i think, but my room mate disagrees. i think he's just jealous.

so where do you live? florida? the sunshine state? ol' flory? georgia's balls/dong? wherever it is, ill drive there! for free, as long as you provide crap! i know i made this offer before, but once you have a toyota corolla, you have to be more serious about this stuff, what with the power and responsibility and all.

REVIEW
Me
5 Stars (Out of 5)

corolla corolla

my prediction: president bush wins the election and the gop wins the congress. i don't like it, but hey, no use being karen hughes and living in denial ("no, it wasn't even close. wrong. the president destroyed john kerry in each of these debates")

first the serious thought:
i hate that liberals have to make themselves seem more moderate and conservatives can be as conservative as they want. "Ladies and gentleman, September 11th was perpetrated by the gays!...in spirit, anyway!" "right on, brother!" "Ladies and gentleman, i propose we use the elderly's social security checks to pay for cages to keep the blacks in, and then feed the elderly to them!" "hell yeah! God bless america!" "We've executed Michael Moore on behalf of God for being liberal! because he hates america!" "dear Lord, i hate those traitors so much.".........now, i MIGHT be exaggerating a touch, but you get my point. because of the nature of the republican party over the last 20 years and attack politics employed by some of its leaders (the infamous "scumbag" memo from Newt Gingrich with a list of words to call democrats, for instance), liberal has become a bad word. i'd explain more, but i think you can tell how i feel about this. i'm tired of writing.

next the even MORE serious thought:
john kerry is extremely unfunny and boring. and jon stewart was sort of a jerk on crossfire, no matter how much i agree with him. and bob novak should have been there, hes much more of a dick than tucker. and God am i tired of writing.

REVIEW
Wavebird Gamecube Controller
5 Stars ( Out of 5)

wow, no cord, comfortable, not broken. blee blee blah

well, it's day two of updating two damn blogs, and let me tell you, it's not easy. i'm tired all the time, i hardly sleep, im edgy and i'm oozing blood from my eyes, although that last one might not be related. the edgy thing is hard to get used to. usually, i'm all happy go lucky, enjoying life, taking things in stride, being heartstoppingly attractive at every turn. now, i'm edgy, i guess, because aparently thats what they call you when you cut up a classmate's face with a razor and defecate on her messenger bag. i tried to explain the artistic merits of my actions, but it fell on the deaf ears of the class, who just wanted to worship me as some sort of vaguely rock-and-roll art house demigod. i mean, i apreciate the cash and numerous, numerous sexual favors, but i can't get you into heaven, ok? not even to meet kurt kobain.

REVIEW
This Mug
2 Stars (Out of 5)

yech, i don't know. it's all dusty, and theres a paper clip and a used kleenex inside. im better off pouring the milk into the bathroom sink and drinking out of that. jeeze, i have to wash this stuff.

real quotes = kickass feuds

jon stewart: "robert novak: deuche bag of liberty."

robert novak: "i'll tell you what i think, i don't like jon stewart. i don't think he's funny and i think he's uninformed. [also, i really, really enjoyed using illegal information to out a cia agent and put her family at grave risk for the rest of their lives. that's what i'm aaaaallll about!]"

ok, well, i guess it was inevatible, now that grandmas and puppies and dvds all have their own livejournals so they can start shit with people they sort of know. i want very badly to live the kind fo glamorous life they enjoy, and so i....signed up for a livejournal.

and this isn't a hilarious hilarious prank, like xwounded_heartx was. this is a hilarious alternative to shitty blogs like this, and thats because lj has one major advantage over blogger: it's way, way easier to post pictures. not that i'm doing anything that needs to be photographed, and not that i have a camera thats worth a damn or can be used more than 4 feet from my pc, but still. pictures mean people will be able to enjoy watching my hair grow and the quality of my clothes deteriorate as they go weeks without washing. thats the glamorous life I lead, and it rocks. well, it rocks in an ironic-in-that-it-doesn't-really-rock-at-all way.

SO THE POINT IS that i have an g-damn livejournal now, it is called wheresmine, and it is of poor quality and little value. as i reassured what i'm sure will be hundreds of thousands of loyal lj readers, this blog will not die! who knows, maybe i'll even take the time to do different posts for each blog! i mean, the ljthing can't last that long, anyway, so who cares.

OH, also, i redid some of the page. see? isn't that cool, the slightly altered color scheme and the new picture? i do very fine work with html. i'm like, a wizard of sorts. and you can post comments now!!!! (thanks to bag for hosting the picture...ladies, take notice: he's a good dude.)

REVIEW
i love you
4 Stars (Out of 5)

i love you, and you love me back, if you know whats good for you, you stupid populace

wow do i have stuff to do. i have studying and what not. lots of work.

but im not going to tell you about that.

i think the ol' blog might be coming to an end pretty soon. i never have anything interesting to say, and i'd rather have something that let's me post pictures and spur more discussion....

...i know that sounds like a liverjournal, but maybe it is, and so what. im not moody enough on this thing. i mean, im moody, but i could be way way way more moody. darker, too. i want to talk about music all the time, and have people respond, like, yeah, rilo kiley IS boring! and we could laugh and post pictures of eachother.

the fact is im sinkin lower and lower in this damn place and i gotta get out and start doing stuff and takin pictures and painting various towns various hues of red and just otherwise being a conformist prickfuck. i want to have stuff happening that i can talk about!

the fact is im freakin out and i hate it here!

the fact is AH AHAHAHHHAAAAAAHHHHH

REVIEW
AAAAHHHH
2 Stars (Out of 5)

AAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAH AUGH AUGH AAAAAHHHHH

hey kids! do you know what time it is?

no!

Um...Well, it's time for the level headed liberal!
(applause)

yo yo yo. i know that lately, what with november 2nd coming up (that's right, it's my birthday) i've been posting a lot about politics and what not. in the past i've been able to resist the urge to talk about politics, but right now i figure everyone's in the mood, so you all won't mind.

so heres the scoop: don't trust liberals. im serious! you can tell the kind of liberal i'm talking about. the one that's like, president bush was wearing a wire in the debates! he wants to create a christian theocracy! he's a nazi (or worse, he's a communist!) look, fact is, if someone's idealogy lines up that closely with one extreme, odds are very good that they haven't thought anything through. ("abortion is good, but the death penalty is bad." ...huh??)

at the same time, have you EVER in your life met a liberal (and, being one, i know a lot of them) who is the kind described by conservatives? the one who hates God, openly supports communism, racism and anti-semitism? everyone i ever met who was even remotely racist was a conservative. every single one. i don't think conservatives are racists, its just that on the fringe of the conservative platform are the racists. just like at the fringe of the liberal platform are the communist atheists who support the violent overthrow of our government. fact is, basically any kid you meet who supports communism is an idiotic 13 year old who bought a che shirt at a blink 182 show. they don't represent liberals any more than the grand dragon represents conservatives.

in short, dont fuckin trust anyone. across the board, basically anyone who wants to tell you who to vote for is either blinded by idealogy (michael moore) or is a hateful, hateful evil bitch (anne coulter). its best just to hug up on your conservative or liberal buddy and pretend you don't disagree on most major issues. i mean, remember: bill maher (libertarian, but a left leaning libertarian) went out with anne coulter. i mean, holy shit. if they could sit next to eachother without beating eachother with rocks (let ALONE fuck!), isn't it the least we can do to not call eachother fascists or racists or communists or satan?

lighten up. be realistic. think about where you get your information

REVIEW
i still haven't taken a shower
1 Star (Out of 5)

i still haven't taken a shower

looks like new car next weekend! how fuckin sweet is that? if you want to ad your school to the scheduled appearances on my upcoming world tour, just ask my management. the first 6 places to book me get...like, amit, and maybe justin or someone, free of charge! aside from perks and money, of course.

anyway. i have just completed morning class without looking up from my game of solitaire for even a minute. its strange how while paying no attention at all i can still hear "take a break" or "see you this afternoon" loud and clear. i need to take a shower.

i need to take a shower.

REVIEW
i need to take a shower.
3 Stars (Out of 5)

i need to take a shower.

you aaaaalll muuuuuust waaaatch


cloooooone hiiiiiiiiiggghh

who would have thought that i actually was having no troubles here at school, that it was really just the conspicuous lack of clone high in my life that was fucking everything up! anyway, im so much happier now that i'll give 50 cents to anyone that wants it! im me at "Like a Warlord" and tell whoever answers, "The phrase that pays is 'Jamie hates the gays!'" and you will be promised 50 cents!

REVIEW
The sad truth
5 Stars (Out of 5)

the sad truth is that if you accept my generosity, bad things will happen to you. good for me!!!

i realized today id never had raw broccoli before, so i ate some. it tasted like a fistful of landscaper's grass. i almost puked into the soda fountain while i was eating it, so i put my mouth on the fanta nozzle to wash it out, because no one was looking. i swished around the fanta and spit, but it was filled with broccoli flecks and it got all over this guys cup, who it turned out was right by me but i hadn't noticed him. so i threw his cup away, so he wouldn't see my spit and stuff, and he was like, what the fuck? and i was like, oh....sorry, man...i, um, i thought that was mine. i didnt bother to explain why i'd throw my own cup out, or why i clearly had another cup with my tray. so the guy starts loudly talking to his friends about what i did, and i don't want any trouble, so i walk back into the food court dealy. on the way in i knock over this huge stack of cardboard boxes and it knocks over this more or less fresh out of the oven sheet cake, and the cook lady is like, god damn it. the guy follows me into the room, with two of his friends, and hes like, look, im not going to hit you, but what the fuck did you do that for? and i was like, seriously i thought it was mine. and then he turns around, like, to scoff, and im thinking, i gotta get out of here. so i start to pick up my paper bag with a sandwich in it and accidently drop my ice cream cone, and the cooking lady is like, come on, get out of here! so i feel really bad and i start to walk out the door and the guy goes, yeah, whatever dude, so on the way out im feeling pissed or whatever so i pour some of whats left of my fanta into his book bag. and then i came back here.

so is the way of the ninja.

REVIEW
ONIONS
2 Stars ( Out of 5)

they taste good, but the smell awful and bringing them into the room aparently gave my roommate an aneurism

ok, just so all y'all know, theres nothing i can do about the font size problems ive been experiencing. for whatever reason, blogger refuses to update my blog with the changes ive made, so youre stuck with the .27 size verdana, for now, anyway. i'll keep trying, but for now, invest in some reading glasses.

www.clonehighusa.com

hells yeah. i miss this show a lot, even after 13 episodes. maybe im the only one who cares. in fact, i'm going to go ahead and say that im the only one who cares. at least i found that website where i could sign a petition to get a dvd put out.

anyways, when, one day, you get big and have a blog of your own, you'll realize how hard it is to talk about real life and not sound like a melodramtic, whiney pussy. for instance, lets say that...oh, i dont know.....you're having an awful time at your hellschool in helliowa. you have two options. you could write:

damn, today sucked. i got up at 1:30 and found out my roommate and his girlfriend had been calling all morning for me to have breakfast with them, but i hadn't woken up to the sound of the phone. they're basically the only people who talk to me here, now that ive told everyone i'm trying to transfer. i spent all day, just like, honest to God, every other day, laying in this rocking chair, slouched down, watching the history channel. i can't be more serious, i do this every day. discounting class, i'm outside of my room for, seriously, a half hour a day. sometimes, on a cold night like this, i look up at the stars and imagine their faces and want to cry.

MOOD: chartreuse emotional depth :-0
MUSIC: "blow my fucking brains out because i'm a sad-ass british guy" by morissey

OR you could write:

the surreal life sure is a depressing show, huh? these people are shells of human beings. dave coullier looks like he might, in fact, already be dead. flava flav shows symptoms of, like, mild developmentally delayed stuff. on down the line, these people are either fucked up stupid or fucked up washed up. bob saget's gettin a new show, dave, and john stamos is still good looking. what the fuck are you doing? playing in the nhl "pseudo-celebrity" allstar game? maybe it's about time you relented to the ol' sweet embrace, if you know what i mean. the fucking LEAST you could do would be to pretend you found God, or something, and hang out with that twisted freak kirk cameron. i mean, you used to know his sister, right? maybe he'd want to save you.

so really, either way, you come off as an unpleasent person and a hopeless wreck, but it's better to be an angry asshole (louis black) than than a sad, hopeless tragedy (jon stewart).

REVIEW
Clone High USA
5 Stars (Out of 5)

up there with family guy, futurama, and the first 10 seasons of the simpsons, seriously. totally worthwhile. totally unbelievable that im having such a hard time downloading these damn episodes.

roll film!" screams scissors lips,
prepping the flesh with his paper cut hiss.
she couldn't breathe, she couldn't speak
as faceless vampires bled the rosy from her cheeks.

scene one, enter junkyard j:
the man with the used smile spits on his fingertips.
swinging the sledgehammer he pounds his thunder kiss.
and the crowd sing sings along to his victory song.
pinned on the anvil her crown starts to flake.
but that's what it takes to make the big make the big break!

cut camera! screams scissor lips.
the screen god shuts.
the audience gnaws their finger tips.
stage hands hammer stakes to her hands and knees.
the modern crucifixion legs parted in the shape of a V.

scene two: enter skin army girls:
camaro's disguised as tanks.
pom pom's blazing rapid fire blanks.
high fives, ruined lives, high fives LA hives,
high fives high fives the theatre wails like diseased violins,
high fives heeled castanet clicks rape harmony.
youth decays in 4/4 time.

scene three: this is the making of a hollywood queen.
the christening of a legendary dream.
this is your birth breath, this is your death sigh
and nothing hurts quite like the first time.

you know why this is a great song? because it says "camaro's disguised as tanks." also, it rocks hard core, but its great mostly because of the camaro line. if you haven't heard the song before, download it. "pieces of me" by ashlee simpson.

REVIEW
This Remote
3 Stars (Out of 5)

it has an "input" button which lets me quickly flip back and forth between madden 2004, aquateen hunger force and porn!

The Truth About Liberals and Conservatives

liberals...

want to raise your taxes, but only so they can buy jewelry with little diamond aborted fetuses on it.

middle names are always "vladimir."

may have visited france at some point.

root for mike tyson.

may change their minds over the course of their lifetime, often more than once.

are all one of the four most liberal members of congress.

instead of worshiping our lord and savior jesus christ pray at the alter of the prince of lies, bill maher.

conservatives...

play the bongos.

fosilize slowly from the inside out after age 10.

have exactly 1,776 active sperm per million.

are quiet and respectful, prefering to let their wizened wit speak for itself.

don't support high taxation, not even to punish the successful.

oppose aborted ilegal immigrant terrorist fetus same sex voting.

once took a quarter from the "take a penny, leave a penny" tray at an amoco in west branch, iowa, purely because they knew theyd never be there again and wouldn't have to return the favor.

REVIEW
Draught Beer
4 Stars (Out of 5)

Seriously, its pronounced "draft!" look, would i lie? well, about something as stupid as beer, anyway?

also, it should be noted that SK2 is ruining my roommates life. as we speak he is next to tears, slamming his fists on his desk, because he cant beat linda in this course, even with the level 3 speed board with a geisha painted on the bottom. when we saw outfoxed tonight i was gritting my teeth twitching with aggravation the whole time, and for him it was a huge relief just not to be playing the damn game anymore.

yo, everybooooooooody, im in class right now. and i shouldnt be on the computer. so ims a typins reaaaaaallly slows like, sos i donts gets caughts. im skippin punctuation and stuff so that im less likely to make a tupo. i mean, typo.....fuck. ive been playing snowboard kids 2 non stop this week. i dld it for my n64 rom this weekend, and its the best decision ive ever made. its an extremely fun game, despite the fact that it has its faults. i can imagine some guy at a board meeting being like, gentleman, good news! we completed SK2, using only 6 total polygons! by augmenting said polygons with blurry textures and very poor quality 2d sprites we were able to finish $11 under budget. then another guy is like, we didnt spend a SINGLE CENT??? seriously, though, the game feels very chintzy. the levels are idiotic and boring and contrived and the story is unintelligible. it seems they were totally caught off guard when they were asked to make a sequel to snowboard kids, which i assume they were sure would fade away quickly.


...no, im just kidding. SK2 is the epic story of slash, a burry, blocky fellow, who, with the help of his average, work-a-day friends (one of whom owns a caslte) has to beat a blue demon child named damien at snowboarding. it has all sorts of fantastic situations, like snowboarding on wood, on grass, and what i think was supposed to be underwater. the production values...magnifique.

REVIEW
typing in class
1 star (out of 5)

im sure i just jeopardized my gade.

this is, without question, the worst cinnamon raisin bagel i have ever consumed.

REVIEW
Thumb Tacks
5 Stars (Out of 5)

you may not know it, but thumbtacks can do all sorts of cool stuff! they can destroy stuff, remove hangnails, hold stuff onto walls, even blind a man!

i'm frantic. im racing around my room in a rage, trying desperately to accidently trip some sequence of events that will lead me on the adventure of my life, because thats what i need to save my college experience at this point.

i dont know if i've made this clear, but i do nothing. every day. nothing, as in if im not walking around on my cell phone, getting food or in class, im in my room. online, watching tv. nothing.

i really really really really really need to get out of here, before all my college experience is good for is turning me into a twisted, lonely hermit-freak. if id gone anywhere else, where i had even one friend, this wouldn't be an issue. i could have had a grand time. the fact is i have basically made no friends here and i hate it and now im the envy of no one. no one envies me. that used to be my only upside, how i was the envy of bascially everyone, for varying reasons. ugly people admired my stunning good looks, idiots marvelled at my astounding wit and mind, and jon lived in awe of my enormous genitals. now its all gone!

I GOTTA GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!!!

AHH AHHH AHH AHH...eee..eee.... im hyperventalating. Lord, why is this happening??? I need-

oh, i guess the problem was this plastic bag im in. even so, the tension of a horrible life is also an issue! help me, please! im begging!

REVIEW
Resignations
4 Stars (Out of 5)

how the hell did i come up with resignations?

you know how when you wake up, and you didnt take a shower yesterday, your hair feels like a wicker basket? that's where i am right now.

i slept in sort of late, getting out of bed at 1:25 pm. i'm not proud of what i've done, but i sure as fuck wasn't gonna get up any earlier.

in other nooz, i am applying to new schools today! because i hate it here so much. people are starting to say i should go, too, and im hearing about other people that have been here since last year that are transferring because they hate it so much. this school just isn't for everyone. really, it should be for no one, but some people are idiots. and they like stuff like this. I'm applying to many schools, all of which i will attend, in a rapid rotation that sends me whirling across the midwest to try and receive an education.

i also have to spend 65 fuckin bucks to get a new title for the taurus, because i guess we lost mine, or never had one, which might be illegal. im very hungry and i want cereal. my bedspread needs to be washed. i have to do all that other stuff, and i have a massive exam on monday that i dont understand the material for. and this is my weekend!!!!!!

REVIEW
School
1 Star (Out of 5)

Duh, it's school. it sucks and they make you work, and they dont give you channels that let you watch sox games. and class is hard and very boring and you have to be there all day. and school reminds me of matt's blog, which gets 1 star because mine is so much better.