if i could be candid for a moment.

when you have a blog, its your sacred duty, i understand, to talk about politics and pretend youre a respected pundit. i mean, watch cnn or read newsweek. all they talk about are the damn bloggers. so whatever, heres me being a blogger

THE DEBATE JUST ENDED, Y'ALL!

and WHAT a debate! im gonna keep this concise, because i have homework and i already posted today, but john kerry won. its that simple. he didnt destroy bush, this isnt a deal breaker, but kerry won. obviously, people are going to decide who won based on who they support, obviously, but i really think that people who pride themselves on being open minded and objective (like yours truly, superblogger) will agree that senator kerry won. president bush stopped smiling part way through, he seemed flustered and annoyed for much of the debate, and was clearly on the defensive, reiterating the "you have to never change your mind" thing many times. even when kerry scoffed or disagreed with the president he would smile and either shake his head or write down his point. he looked very collected. anyway, yay libs.

this is one hell of a government we got here, huh? well, i got some problems with it.

this two party thing blows. Having only two major parties is the main reason why america has become so polarized. people are led to follow party lines and base their beliefs along with their parties (Im throwing liberals in with the dems and conservatives in with the gop). pardon my american, but how fucking stupid is that? how else can you explain liberals supporting abortion but being against the death penalty? or conservatives being assholes?

the point is you cant trust anyone because all this one track thinking has caused everyone to be insane and idiotic. people on both sides of the aisle will pray for misfortune as long as it hurts the other party. people on both sides of the aisle will willingly omit the truth and twist the facts in order to cover their asses. Possibly most importantly, they are programed to hate and destroy anyone who doesn't have their political slant, regardless of how nice or smart or level headed or honest they are, and regardless of how well they do. in fact, the more successful they are, the more theyre going to be hated. look at bill clinton. or stalin.

dont cry, though, because uncle jamie has the solution. as of today i have disolved the congress, both parties, all that crap. its all me now.

[energetic rioting ensues]

whoa, hey, knock it the fuck off, all right? you voted for me! i'm the god damn president, i can do whatever i want!...

...what the fuck are you so upset about!?!? im not doing this for ME, im doing this for you! because the parties were bad shit! oh fine, have it your way.

...i dont mean literally! i mean, like, in your head, think what you want, but the fact remains, im youre god damn leader now! HEY! EVERYONE SHUT UP! DO YOU LIKE SIERRA MIST?

REVIEW
Sierra Mist
3 Stars (out of 5)

this stuff is interesting, because it sits comfortably between 7 up and sprite on the flavor scale, easily the equal of the other two brands when it comes to sales. thing is, this stuffs only been around for like 4 years! thats nuts! name another pop that has had this much success against established brands so fast? it all comes down to how much money those bastards are willing to spend.

this is one hell of a government we got here, huh? well, i got some problems with it.

this two party thing blows. Having only two major parties is the main reason why america has become so polarized. people are led to follow party lines and base their beliefs along with their parties (Im throwing liberals in with the dems and conservatives in with the gop). pardon my american, but how fucking stupid is that? how else can you explain liberals supporting abortion but being against the death penalty? or conservatives being assholes?

the point is you cant trust anyone because all this one track thinking has caused everyone to be insane and idiotic. people on both sides of the aisle will pray for misfortune as long as it hurts the other party. people on both sides of the aisle will willingly omit the truth and twist the facts in order to cover their asses. Possibly most importantly, they are programed to hate and destroy anyone who doesn't have their political slant, regardless of how nice or smart or level headed or honest they are, and regardless of how well they do. in fact, the more successful they are, the more theyre going to be hated. look at bill clinton. or stalin.

dont cry, though, because uncle jamie has the solution. as of today i have disolved the congress, both parties, all that crap. its all me now.

[energetic rioting ensues]

whoa, hey, knock it the fuck off, all right? you voted for me! i'm the god damn president, i can do whatever i want!...

...what the fuck are you so upset about!?!? im not doing this for ME, im doing this for you! because the parties were bad shit! oh fine, have it your way.

...i dont mean literally! i mean, like, in your head, think what you want, but the fact remains, im youre god damn leader now! HEY! EVERYONE SHUT UP! DO YOU LIKE SIERRA MIST?

REVIEW
Sierra Mist
3 Stars (out of 5)

this stuff is interesting, because it sits comfortably between 7 up and sprite on the flavor scale, easily the equal of the other two brands when it comes to sales. thing is, this stuffs only been around for like 4 years! thats nuts! name another pop that has had this much success against established brands so fast? it all comes down to how much money those bastards are willing to spend.

i mean....tomorrow.

i hate my classes! thats no surprise. not to me. not to anyone. point is, my new class is hard, and i got a d in my last one for many reasons. none of which are my fault. now i want to get a car and maybe transfer and maybe...

holy crap!

i promised my next post would have jokes in it!

no time to think of a joke! im just gonna abort this post! the NEXT one will have jokes i promise!

well, good news. rex grossman is out for the season! more importantly, the injury comes during the formative years of his career, putting his future in doubt. yay yay.

seriously, its a good thing, though. we replaced him with former st. louis cardinal pitcher and dallas cowboy qb chad hutchinson. who isn't good.

and im trying to sell my car, etc, etc, etc. and espn 1000 wont let me listen to the sox game online, because theyre bastards. oh, good news, too. i cant go see head automatica tonight, because i dont have a ride

happy day, happy day, happy day

but im eating a burger. and its worth the money i spent, because its from hardees. and as we all know,

unnnh. hardees. we dont eat hardees.

p.s. i promise my next post will be joke-loaded and funny

p.p.s. you selfish, greedy assholes

RECIEW
Typos
3 Stars (Our of 5)

Typos. Everyone makes them. No matter how hard you try not to make a mistske, you're gonna make a few, maybe evenb a bunch. theres just not much you can do abou tit. Diuwsoeit, teuue ebtu ebuv.

hi everyone. im not sure im gonna figure out anything to talk about to day, so thats a little depressing. thing is, i had a blast this weekend doing basically nothing. its not really a good thing, its just that basically nothing at home was a lot more than my best day here. and all i did was see a barely ok movie. i dont want to complain! but i want to, but i dont want to want to, or whatever. this isnt very pleasent. for me, or for you!

i want it to be christmas, so people are home and i can have presents and go to the mall every day just to walk around and look at clothes and stuff. that way, it would just be a matter of time until it was spring and baseball would start and this year i would...like...get a new job that had less work, and i could spend more time at the beach and at baseball games! theres not even any BASEBALL left! AAAHHH FUCK! i need all sorts of shit to go right for me for a while, or else God's gonna get it!

oh, and God, if you need any hints as to how to get yourself out of this mess, here you go:

i want fame and fortune

i want fortune

i need a really sweet car

i need to get the hell out of this boring place where i never do anything

i need to have at least 120% more fun

i need a sandwich

....so get crack-a-lackin, "God."

....jerk.

REVIEW
My Raybans
8 (Out of 5)

WOOOOOWIE SHIT! these were lost for so long! but now i look unbelievabadass again! i look so tough that i once stepped on kevin sorbo's balls and didn't even apologize!

hey! you! yeah, you, you islamic terrorist! come over here!

dont give me that shit. yeah, bullshit. your religion hates america, and im just supposed to believe that you disagree with your religion 100%? doesn't seem like you follow your religion very well. good luck getting those virgins now.

no, seriously, get the fuck back here! why do you hate america so much?

*PUNCH*

yeah, take that, abdul! don't mess with my country, abdul! you fucked with us on sept 9/11th, and now youre getting yours. i hope you enjoy hell.

thats PRESIDENT bush to you, buddy. i didn't spend 4 years at president school to be called "mr."

so what do you think, dick? can i kick arab tail or what?

yeah, thats what i like about me. i know that the only way to solve the problem of worldwide anti americanism is to kick ass and take names. oh totally. its TOTALLY the long term answer.

REVIEW
not getting to go home
1 Star (out of 5)

mick, you rat fink, you better try to sell my car! it benefits you, you rat fink! if i cant go home to sell it, you better! you rat fink! raaaaaaaaaat fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiink!

HEY KIDS, BONUS...THING...TIME! IN THE POST ABOUT BLANK CHECK, WHAT WORD DOES JAMIE USE REPEATEDLY, UNKOWINGLY HAVING HIMSELF COME ACROSS AS A RETARDATE MORON?

SEND YOUR SUBMISSIONS TO:

ME

have you ever watched blank check? i have. many times.

why the hell is this idiot talking about blank check?

of course, im talking about blank check because i just mentioned it to my roommate while mocking tone loc's career. you see, we're watching uncle buck right now, and they began to play a snippet of "wild thing," and i just bout flipped my lid.

flipped my lid? this guy IS a jackass.

anyways, back to blank check. i really liked that movie. but why would a 30 year old woman go with a 10 year old on an excursion waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too similar to a date for my comfort?

bs, i bet he'd like that.

i mean, i should admit, truthfully, that i would very much enjoy the idea of adults and minors engaged in sex acts. but thats neither here nor there. the real point is that the kid gets so much crap for a million dollars. does a million dollars really buy you a castle and a go cart track and a full staff and all that other crap?

no one should care about this crap.

but heres the interesting part...think about it! in other countries, the american dollar goes farther! that's why im reasonably sure, that while they didnt make a big deal about it, the movie was set in turkey.

what a dumbfuck. they dont make movies in turkey.

also, im beginning to realize that this post isnt funny and doesnt have a point, so im gonna kill it now. good night, you bastards. dont forget to use really sturdy rope.

REVIEW
Lewis' Ultra-Tuff Rope
5 Stars (out of 5)

wow, what excellent rope! you could use this rope for just about anything. i am genuinely impressed by this rope! You should buy some too, for some reason. Lewis' Ultra-Tuff Rope is available at participating eager beaver home centers. Tell them Where's Mine sent you!

well, ive got all sorts of shit to talk about, but it wont be funny, and it takes a long time to say, so im just going to take it out of my convo with jim where i explained the sitchy.

*PORTIONS OF THIS CONVERSATION HAVE BEEN REMOVED TO MAKE ME SEEM LESS DESPERATE*

...
oh, shit.

i guess i never saved that conversion. so im not going to explain the issue. just so you know, though, im unwelcome in the education department here now and have to find a major and im looking into transferring and its not my fault at all at all and people are being sadistic bastards about it and this is the most unfair shit ive ever experienced

also, i just got a sunset riders rom for genesis, and i started playing zelda for snes again. yea YEA

REIVEW
happenstance
3 Stars (Out of 5)

it is a word, isn't it?

i'm listening to "can't look back" by the stereo. its like the theme from the end of one of those movies that's a comedy but has a moral at the end, like man of the house or american pie. it makes me feel like the post i'm about to make should wrap up the whole story and leave you feeling satisfied and hopeful. download the song or get it from me and then read the following post:

hey! it's been great, hasn't it, guys? now, i know not many of you read this ol' blog, but it's been a special friend to all of us who have known him. Who would have thought when we started on this crazy ride 7 months ago that it would lead us here? Our adventures (or should i say MISadventures!) have helped us all grow and made us who we are today! so listen to me: don't be shy! be who you are! don't let anything hold you back from becoming who you want to be- and having a blast while doing it!

ALLLL RIGGGGHHT!

Anyways, seriously, not enough people read this, possibly because its a total piece of harshil. thats the real moral. go out and find me some god damn readership so i can make some money with this crap. afterall, what are friends for but finding more friends/potential consumers for you?

REVIEW
Stamps
4 Stars (Out of 5)

stamps are pretty cool, in general. i have the ones you don't have to lick...thats a huge feature that kicks the value of the stamp up a few notches, in my book. thing is you need an adress to send the damn thing. problem is i lost my adress book. my mom doesn't read this, but if anyone sees her please remind her to send me my damn adresses!

at times like this, i remember what sheryl crow once sang:

"every road is a winding road, dadadadada further!"

anyways. i hope a lot of people read this! im gonna explain something to you, so gather round. and stop talking, i really want you to listen.

a long time ago it was the very beginning of this summer. things were great for our hero jamie. he had a girlfriend, he had plans to further the thriving satirical news outlet that he was the sole proprieter to. he had a rad ford taurus that once outran a police lamborghini. and he had a red shirt that said, "lake county cyclists" on it. thats the important part, the shirt.
for you see, that shirt...well, the shirt wasn't actually that important, but it does fit him pretty well.
the real important thing is that stuff when wrong with all that stuff. sure it was great, while it was great, but it sucked once it wasn't great anymore. even the taurus lost a step and was recently intercepted by a police chevy corsica. oh, and a cat peed on the shirt.
so jamie took action to ensure he had the greatest summer of all time. afterall, he needed it. he had just ended an extremely awful first year of college and needed to perk himself up, to sort of recharge for another year of ratherly hellious torturement. so he took matters into his own hands and
...got
...a
...jon.
or, rather, got a job. he already had a jon, named jon montero.
back to the point, he got a job. he needed money, it seemed, as he had very little. literally, he had figuratively nothing. so he got a job at his mommies work where they trade free donuts and kind words and 7.50 an hour in exchange for forcing you to fight sleep at a desk for 9 hours a day.
really, the 9 hours wasn't so bad for jamie. the real problem was the whole "having to leave for work at 7:30AM" thing. it meant he had to wake up early, which mean he had to go to bed early, which meant he couldn't have any fun over the summer. seriously, like, none. he speant every night sitting in someones house or a coffee shop or some other retarded place filled with retards, watching family guy or whatever until it was time to go to bed. he did this because there simply WASNT TIME TO DO ANYTHING ELSE!
as an end result he ended up hanging out with the same 6 or 7 people every damn night, people who also had jobs. people like

THE MYSTERIOUS STEAKUM, AKA amit khatri. his unbelievable shrinking ability allows him to shy away from even the smallest ounce of responsibility. fast cars, fast money, and fast women, and fast men- they're all his, regardless of his actions.

JON-MAN, AKA jon mau. famed taller half of the jon-man and yev guy crimefighting duo. not only is he vaguely tall, he's taller than half of a crimefighting duo that shall remain nameless.

THE J TRAIN, AKA justin nolan. capable of whew whewing into just about any woman's (or man's) heart, the j train's expert seduction skills once made him an up-and-coming con artist before he made the transition to dissapointing con artist.

CAPTAIN FAT, AKA matt rowan. an evil villian of the most monstrous sort, this blob of consists of 100% fat and 100% ego. once killed a man simply because he wasn't him.

THE ASTOUNDING PEACH BAG, AKA harshil patel. what can i say? ever seen what the man can do with a peach? haha, what am i saying, of course you have.

THE SUBURBAN NIGHTMARE, AKA Gaylord Assleak. hes normal, hes average, and hes white: he's the nations favorite hero, or something. whatever, the suburbs are boring and he's just so...you know, american.

anyway, so he speant all his time with them. the same group of people. and it made him mad, because he secretly hates all of them, for they are bastards of the highest order.
so thats why its important that people read this, so they can know the truth. the truth being that this blog, and myspace, and the wj, are all around purely to win jamie fame and popularity, so he can leave these retarded, ugly, loyal friends behind. because before he started hanging out with them ALL THE TIME, he had a girlfriend...

(song lyrics copyright sheryl pigeonstein, 1999 or somewhere around there)

REVIEW
Epicness
4 Stars (Out of 5)

just so you know, this post is an example of epicness. its long, yeah, but look how many WORDS it has!

everyone join myspace so i can have friends to fill out my list with.

furthermore

god damn jon is lazy. we all know that, though. also, hes busy, which complicates his laziness and makes him useless. in laymans terms, the wjs still not done.

it should be done tomorrow though, which means i can enjoy...

...overseeing a behavioral disorder class where kids fight all the time to the full extent. aaaah. relaxing. i have to watch the class all week. it kind of really sucks.

also, kids there are allowed to chew gum, wear hats and listen to personal cd players...even during tests! what the fuck kind of place have i wandered into????? surely this is not a school!

REVIEW
Myspace.com
3 Stars (out of 5 Stars)

come on! join it! make me look cooler! i dont want to have to go find my own friends!

first things first. damn blogger has been fuckin around with me for a week or so, so i haven't been able to post, so people are starting to forget how much they love me. but im back, so lay off.

WEEKLYJOHNSONWEEKLYJOHNSONWEEKLYJOHNSONWEEKLYJOHNSON

whew. im hyperstonehesitng. [www.weeklyjohnson.com] its almost done! we even have one of matt's "special" articles up. i dont know why jon only posted the one...it seems unprofessional to only publish part of the issue, and leave the rest for later. also, its unprofessional that we chose such a...well, "special" article as the first one. either way, go check out the site, and be assured that there is much more to be added in the next week before it goes full speed.

also, im sorry i said "special" like that. i didn't know this, but aparently im a highschool sophomore who thinks madtv is the pinnacle of modern comedy.

seriously, though, im not an idiot, and im sorry i said that.

REVIEW
you
5 Stars (Out of 5)

You get 5 stars out of 5 because you recognized that "hyperstoneheisting" was a refference to a 1992 teenage mutant ninja turtles game for genesis! cowabunga!

check out the comment dealy at the bottom of the page!!!!!!

this is the one if we want to be normal. and im not going to put normal in quotes like some pathetic dork who's counterculture just because they're too ugly to get into normal theaters unaccosted

this one looks like a shipping commercial from 1989....but it still rocks ass!

it doesn't get much more 70's than this. this one may just be a touch too ugly for our undoubtedly hideous site.

the penguin's name is "rupe." he would be our mascot. beats me where jon found it.

ok, time to pick the new wj logo/header!

justin calls me this weekend, which is cool because hes a sweet ass dude. then hes like, "ok, heres the scoop. im in dominics and i just saw brian rowe. can im gonna go make fun of him, what should i say?" first of all, for some reason justin felt he had to use a long distance cell phone call on this. second of all, he says it was because he wanted to defend me and yevs honor, not because he loves to attack people. thing is, we all know he loves to attack people, so who knows. I told him, for the love of god, don't insult the guy. for a myriad of reasons. first of all, he didnt do anything to you. second of all, as far as i know this is over, third of all, whatever you do to him will be turned back on you, like, 1000 fold. fourth of all, hes just at dominics getting some food. possibly chocolate milk, for all we know. no need to ruin someone's perfectly pleasent chocolate milk run if you don't have to. eventually he grudgingly agreed to let brian go on his way, although ill say this: if justin had attacked brian, brian might have hit him. and justin would have had to use his knife to defend himself, because hes very weak physically (although he has the willpower to make up for it), and then brian would have DIED, and then this millenia old holy war would have taken its first victim. and that makes baby jesus cry.

oh, also, poh-lard (as yev calls him) deleted my self depricating, sort of olive-branchian comment on his rant about suddenly zombie. so i wont bother the poor guy anymore, although i would have liked to see my comment kept on there, because it showed my human, cool, laid back, lovable side, and thats the side of me that im sure he and his friends see the least. so dino, fare the well. i dont really know you, but i hear you're not voting for bush, so you can't be a bad guy. god speed! same goes for brian, who i hope realizes maybe im NOT a horrible bastard. someday.

REVIEW
Poll Responses: "What will you do if jamie posts about these guys again, or mocks them in a round about way?"
5 Stars (Out of 5)

41% of respondents said "Continue not reading his pointless blog." 12% said, "Begin continuing not reading his pointless blog." 7% said "Maybe go play Road Rash 3 on my emulator," and 40 % said "Support him 100% and then mock Dino online." it should be said that at least 40% of my readership is yev.

also, the poll got 5 stars because...well, i made all the responses up myself, and i support me 100%. but i try not to mock dino online.