(Jon laying in the grass in front of amits house, sad. Jim and Matt look down on him)
Jim: you have to get a job.
Jon: no.
Jim: you had one before......
Jon: wait, I forget. Did I quit that job?
Jim: only because if you hadn’t they were going to file charges for your-
Jon: yep, I quit.
Matt: You’ve been really angry lately, jon. I think it’s the lack of structure in your life.
Jon: structure? I’ve got plenty of structure. Justin made me go to express for men yesterday. That used to be structure.
(Silence)
Matt: god, I don’t even know when you’re joking anymore.
Jon: (confused)I..................ha?........
Jim: hey look, there’s justin now!
(A pile of people is beating the crap out of someone down the street. The three guys walk down to justin, laying in the street, bloodied.)
Jim: you ok, homes?
Justin: I made out with someone while they were beating me up!
Matt: I didn’t see any girls in the group.....
Justin: does it matter?
Matt: no, no, I guess not.
Jim: Ready to go?
Jon: where are we going?
Jim: Well, its either Europe, where I hear the waffles are fantastic, or amits house, which is right there.
Matt: Why did we meet at amit’s if we were considering going to europe?
Jim: Because jon was laying in the grass here.
Matt: oh.
(Inside amits. Amit is on the phone with jesse, something he will be doing throughout the movie, until the end, or soemthing)
Jim: Lets get something to eat!!
Matt: No. We play mario kart now.
Jon: We just stopped playing like 20 minutes ago and walked out in front of the house.......
Matt: We play mario kart NOW......fucker.
Amit: hey, wasnt laura purcell here playing with you guys earlier?
Jim: uh, no. she um, left.
(Camera pans to matt’s bloody hands, then a pool of blood on the carpet with a controller laying in it, and then over behind the stairs, where a girls feet can be seen sticking out from behind the wall.)
Justin: Wooo!
Jon: I wonder how this will enter into the plot......
(Screen wipe left to right)
Matt: Kidnapping??? but that’s such a mexican thing to do!
Jon: It makes total sense. We kidnap jim’s brother, thus getting him out of the way.
Matt: out of the way? From what?
Jon: Our activities.
Jim: Like buying lottery tickets.
Matt: I don’t know.
Justin: here, this will convince you.
(Hands phone to matt.)
Matt: Hello?
Jamie (on phone): Hey, man, its Jamie. It’s a good idea to kidnap jim’s brother. Plus, its cool. It’s a very mexican thing to do.
Matt: Yeah! It IS a good idea!
Justin: Let’s goooooooo!
Jon: yeah.
(Everyone is in the van, jon driving. Ski masks on, they go over the plans for the kidnapping.)
Jamie: (pointing a flashlight at the plans) Ok, we have reason to believe ben MIGHT be playing counter strike on his computer downstairs. We’ll need to get inside quietly, which is where justin comes in.
Justin: I slip in through the chimney and seduce jim’s mom.
Jim: I really don’t like this plan.
Jon: I do!
(Long silence)
Jamie: so the only other question is how we will restrain him. Luckily we have matt.
Matt: (Flexing, massaging bicep) Yep, I have a way of convincing people to sit still. (Pauses, then reaches down and grabs a bag of candy) Who could resist?
Jamie: ok, theres the house!
Jim: A pedestrian, too.
(Car slams into something, comes to a halt)
Jamie: holy crap!
Jon: All for driving away and never telling anyone?
Matt: ooooh noo, I know where this is going. I saw that movie! The one with that chick with the rack!
Jim: Similarities to the plot of “Bring it On” aside, I think its best that we leave the corpse here and go ask harshil what to do next.
Jamie: Yeah, harshil’s smart!
(No one does anything for a while)
Jon: .....Well, here we go!
(Drive off)
(At harshils, harshils dad, played by harshil with a fake mustache, opens the door.)
Harshil’s dad: Hey, youth. What is it that you are wanting?
Matt: We need Harshil’s advice about something non-homicide related.
Justin: Yeah, its about as homicide free as....problems....can get.
Harshil’s dad: Well, Harshil said that he was going to go wander the street near jim’s house.
(Everyone looks at eachother)
(Back at the scene of the crime. Now it is clear that the corpse is harshil’s)
Justin: Well, we’re totally fucked. Let’s go find some dark girls with short hair and drug problems.
Jamie: The cops are gonna be on this like........get back to me.
Matt: I say we hide out in mexico. There’s lots of sand there, and glass is made out of sand......I like glass a lot.
Jim: Yeah, totally. We can all go down there and just chill on the beach, drinking shirley temples and playing board games!
Jon: And scoring with jim’s mom!
Jim (glaring at jon): and JON’s mom.
Jon: Yeah!
(Pause)
Matt: Yeah, well. Pick up harshil’s corpse, and I’ll call mark. He’s mexican.
Amit: Ask him if we can borrow some cacti and sombreros for the drive down.
Matt: that’s why im calling.
Jon: Cool, lets go.
Jamie: The cops will be on this like george bush on a vile of crack!
(They all begin getting into the car)
Matt: A vile of crack?
Jamie: yeah. What, no good?
Matt: It’s just that crack smoking isn’t really a vice that defines his presidency.
(Fading out)
Jamie: sure it does!
(At mark’s house)
Mark: Mexico, huh?
Jon: Yeah. We figure we can hide out there until the heat of harshil’s murder investigation dies down.
Matt: And we’re gonna make glass or something, too.
Mark: Well, you’re going to need guns. If I know anything about Mexico from what my mom says about it, it’s that you’ll need guns. That, and a guide who can speak spanish and attract all the hot men.
Justin: Well, my spanish is a little rusty, but
Mark: Uhh, just to be safe, you should just have me come along with you.
Amit: Good idea.
Jon: Yeah. Mark, welcome aboard!
Jamie (opening up the back of the van to reveal piles of boxes and blankets and such): Hey, jon, what’s all this?
Jon: This is my dad’s survival van. He rigged it up after we saw terminator 2. It’s got guns and food and water and stuff. And 30,000 dollars cash.
Matt: Wow, really? That’s everything we need!
Jim: Yeah, seriously! Let’s go!
(At Pita Inn. Harshil’s body is at the table with everyone, slumped over.)
Justin (licking lips, rubbing stomach): 30,000 dollars worth of shish kabobs sure go down smooth.
Jamie: Yep, all our problems are solved!
(Screen fades to black, indianna jones them fades in.)
(Screen fades back in)
Jamie: Wait, no they arent! Did we seriously just send 30,000 dollars on mediterranean food??
Jon: Yeah, I know. We should have gone for something more filling.
Jamie: our friend is dead! WE killed him! We have no money, we need to get to mexico but don’t seem to know how to do it, and “Good Morning Miami” got picked up for a second season! We still have very many problems!.....not the least of which is good morning miami.....I mean, yuck.
Justin: You know, harshil doesnt HAVE to be dead.
Jamie: huh?
Justin: Yev’s seen “weekend at bernies 2" more than a hundred times. He’s an expert at corpse reanimation.
Matt: it seems like all of our friends are experts at something.
Justin: ill give him a call. Hold on.
(Justin leaves to go make a phone call. Everyone else sits at the table silently. An extremely long time passes, 1 or 2 full minutes. hardly anyone moves.)
Amit: Well, uh....i....i uh, raped a
Justin: Yev’s in. All he needs is garlic, reggae, a voodoo priestess and a practice corpse.
Jim: well, laura....um, that is to say, that after the mario kart incident, Laura’s body is....available.
(Flashback matt playing mario kart. He suddenly appears crushed and furious. The camera shows a close up of “4th place” on the screen. He turns and looks. The camera shows laura, giddily cheering “I won! I won!” camera zooms in on matts eyes, enraged and purposeful.)
Jamie: good idea, we’ll let yev try it out on her. Its not like the corpse hasn’t been desecrated enough, matt.
(Camera pans to matt)
Matt: don’t judge me! Any of you would have done the same thing if it had been 3 weeks since your last go and a receptacle was just sitting there!
Jon: I’ll vouch for that.
Jamie: Justin, you go with jim and amit to go get lauras corpse.
Amit: can I film laura’s corpse kissing harshil’s corpse?
Jamie: knock yourself out. Me......um, matt, mark and jon, will take harshil over to yevs now. Except I think im gonna pick up the other laura first.
Jon: a voodoo zombification ritual is no place for your girlfriend.
Jamie: Look, all this corpse talk is getting me in the mood, and I don’t want to pull a matt.
Matt: KNOCK IT OFF!
Amit: Well, hey, we’ll just go with them, then. You can go get your girlfriend and meet up with us.
Jamie: ok, dude. Ill see you guys later.
(In jim’s car. Its waaaaayy too packed.)
Justin: Damn, it’s packed in here.
Jon: It wouldn’t be so bad if matt hadn’t put these sandbags down here by our feet.
Matt: Well, if we had gone to mexico like I wanted....
Mark: Stop complaining. Amit’s down there with the sandbags.
(Camera shot of amits face down by everyones feet)
Amit: your.....feet.....have crushed......my genitals.
(Very quick cut back to shot of everyone)
Jim: Yeah, sure, Amit, you have genitals.
(Everyone laughs a lot, towards the end of the laughter you hear amit pitifully say “I welcome death.”)
(Cut to Jamie’s car, hes singing “holiday road” really loudly)
______________________________________________________________________________
For later:
the voodoo priestess will be laura s, and she will be very unhappy about it.
When yev practices by reanimating laura p, she walks like the girl from the ring (very jerky, robotic), and we play the vid backwards and at slightly high speed to make it scarier, and chilling sounds play, and she walks upstairs and leaves
