oh man, another crazy dream. the craziest ive ever had, easily.

ok so im at this weird school type place, set up like a base in halo or something. we're all just hanging around this semi abandon base, learning how to kill. then i find out something big is going to happen, and i leave the front door of the base... and theres my house. so i go in and theres my mom and my brother, in this beat dow little house, but its like desplaines was transported to iowa. we live in the same neighborhood. anyways, so on july 4th the aliens from independence day are gonna come. so i have to get ready! i try repeatedly to steal a car over the coming days, but i get spotted every time and have to get away. oh, i forgot, my voice is narrating the story the whole time in my head, so thats goin on, too. anyway, one guy, in order to stop me from stealing his car, drills into the tire. he didnt attack me with the drill, or call the cops, or anything. so i keep going back home. mickey knows what im trying to do, but my mom doesnt. i decide to wait until the guy fixes his tire to steal it again and leave to avoid the aliens. when the day comes im watching tv, and sure enough, they all cut into a special bulletin. they start by giving the yankees- red sox score (i'm serious) and then announce that the native americans have launched a war against the US and have taken most of the midwest along the mississippi river! oh no! i watch some of the invasion, and it shows the army's plan to take back the region, saving the cities for last, because urban fighting sucks. so i tell my mom to hide in the basement and hop into my stolen pick up. i drive away, really fast. so i end up on the great prarie, where im caught by some native american familes. they ask me who i am, and i say im "deleo" (like the guy from stp) and tell them im native american. they believe me, but i know if they see me long enough they'll realize im not native american, so i tell them im tired and park inside the tall grass and stay there, trying to figure out how im going to escape. then, holy crap, a fire comes up over the hill. a huge fire. it had been set by the us army to flush out the redskins! so im about to get the fuck out of there when i here two kids screaming to the main guy, and hes like, "no, your'e with deleo! that's who your ride is!" because aparently they worked out a ride sheet for everyone in case they were attacked. so the two little boys get into the truck, but the girl is slow, and i have no time to wait, so i leave. miraculously, the 5 year old girl in a filthy sundress is wicked fast and catches up to the truck and hops in the back with the two boys. so we drive for a long time, and end up at another halo type base. they all run in to kill all the people inside, and i remember that this is the base my mom and my brother went to! so i go up to the top to see who was there, and there was my family. then they locked down the front door, and the indians couldnt get in, and died in the fire. that was implied, anyway. so we're all inside, and then the christians decide to kill all the jews INSIDE the base. so me and my family naturally side with the jews, because judaism rocks. so we're in there with woody allen, richard lewis and a couple other people. but the christians have britney spears and julie (the mormon) from the real world! so about half of the jews (me and the famous people) are on this sort of fire escape thing overlooking this deep shaft, waiting to be killed. britney spears breaks in and woody allen beats her to death with a pipe, but not before she shoots somebody. so we all run, and we get to the top just as my brother breaks into the armory. so we all run in there, and by the time i get in everyone has taken everything. so i pick up a gigantic 12 gauge and shoot this christian in the chest (it felt really realistic) but he was just ALMOST dead, and the gun only had one cartridge in it. so i run, and take this sub machine gun from a dead christians hands. it seems we're about to wipe all the god-fearing bastards when i come across julie from the real world. im about to blow her away. she says, "ok, just kill me. but know that i've always loved you." and at first i just want to kill her, and my voice is narrating something, but then i realize that this is the romance part of the plot, and i can't help it. i have no choice but to let her live. this is because, aparently, my dream is a self-aware post modernist action movie. so i let her live, and then joe comes into the room, and i wake up.

INSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANE

REVIEW
Elmer the Bull
4 Stars (Out of 5)

he makes some damn good glue, and the fact that he's married to "bessie" or whatever her name is, the borden cow, is just so cute.

ways to fix the ecology club:

-add some god damn metal breakdowns to every song. i mean, come on! what have you been waiting for? dashboard to work a few into their music first? do yourselves a favor and start the trend before you have to become followers.

-stop shaving (but dont let a beard form, either, though. you dont want to end up looking like a cross between new found glory and drowning pool)

-write a song about coping with tragedy/ preventing suicide/ not doing drugs. either that or write one about your boss literally being a monkey. that wouldn't be funny, but it would be weird, and it cement you firmly in "aquabats rip-off" territory.

-change the name. im fond of "Anders W. K."

-write a concept album. you have two choices. either you could prove how inteligent and interesting you are and base it on the last tycoon or something like that, or you can do something ironic and base it on a playmobil catalog. beacue it would be ironic.

-re-record the metal breakdowns, this time harmonizing a solo above the riff and double kick. and screaming macabre poetry in the background.

-invite axl rose to sing backup

REVIEW
Waiting for Someone to Make a College Decision
0 Stars (Out of 5)

having to wait for someone to make a decision that affects you a lot is really tedious, consuming and anxiety filled. and its not even character building. damn life.

"the liberals are the anti semites, not conservatives. why are the liberals so hateful and bigoted? they hate the poor and refuse to let them succeed. they hate the blacks and mexicans and want to make sure theyre always seen as different.. they hate the jews and think its wrong of them to kill muslims."


i dont have enough time to respond to the stuff about minorities and the israelis (theres a huge difference between "the jewish" and "israelis," remember) so ill talk about the poor people thing.

"ok, if offering welfare insults their ability to suceed and just keeps them down, at a level below the elitest liberal bastards then why dont the poor just refuse to accept welfare? if they dont need it, and it insults them why dont they just refuse it? hell, lets write it into law. "any poor person can refuse welfare." shouldnt that solve the problem for you, conservatives? now they dont have to take it. doesnt that fix everything?

sometimes i wish i had a weblog that people could reply to. but then again, that would mean id probably have a livejournal...and thats just icky.

well, for those of you who haven't seen me since i left for college:

i've grown 4 inches to a healthy 6'0".

i've lost weight, too, down to a roughly healthy 145 lbs.

somehow, without working out, i became a tightly packed package of muscles that pack a punch.

i have one of those awesome, artsy unkempt beards without mustaches. except mine is REALLY awesome. it goes down to the middle of my chest.

i finnally perfected my brittish accent. the downside is that i forgot my old american one. eh, whatever.

i got 22,000 dollars worth of tattoos, most of which are of obscene nature. and the rest have destroyed cities and corpses and socialist slogans.

my hair got curly somehow, and it grew out into a perfect, wild "omar rodriguez." which is good, because it could have been a creepy, homeless-looking "cedric bixler."

i started smoking those new cigarettes that smell and taste like blue powerade and actually clean your lungs.

i bought sunglasses. cool ones.


so when you see me it might be a shock. just try not to freak out too much. oh, also, i might change my appearence entirely every once in a while, hang out with jennifer anniston and answer to the name brad.

REVIEW
The Pick I Made Out of a Fanta Cap
2 Stars (Out of 5)

it makes noise pretty well, but its short and weird looking and makes that annoying slappy/twangy/buzzy "bottle-cap-guitar-pick" sound.

never ever ever ever eat "it's pasta anytime!" fettucini alfredo. it tastes like....damp cracker strips in bacon sauce.

propel fitness water: the clear, bad tasting sports drink with tiny people living inside. why does this seem like a bad idea? do you advertize...like, pudding, by showing a ton of people fucking around in the bowl? do you want to eat pudding that people have been bathing (and probably drowning) in? then why would you possibly want to drink fake water that has people in it? the people have to go to the bathroom somewhere, too, and theres no way for them to get out of the bottle. think about THAT.

REVIEW
"it's pasta anytime!" fettucini alfredo
2 Stars (Out of 5)

never ever ever ever eat it. it tastes like....damp cracker strips in bacon sauce.

my dream that ended 2 minutes ago when laura called:

me, matt and a guy who was harshil half the time and some sort of real-life barney rubble the rest of the time were all going to college together. there was a collosal storm at our college (it was roughly the size and layout of a small church) during our graduation festivities, which involved fried chicken in a large room and nothing else. then for a little while amit was there, but i guess he left. so anyway, we tried to sneak out the back for some reason but got caught and had to turn around and...gasp!...go out the front. so we got to my incredibly roomy ford festiva (im serious, it sat 6 and had the interior space of a minivan) and got ready to leave. matt put his upright bass (yep, upright bass) in the back seat and insisted on jamming in place against the ceiling and not buckling it in. I had to start the car at the gas tank, of course, and it wasn't starting, to harshil/barney's dismay. then i realized that the car WAS starting, that i was just forgetting to stop turning the key. so we drove off for home, which was just a few minutes a way (we were going to school somewhere just south of maine south). Then i got confused and didn't know if i was on river or graceland and took a left that was really wide and almost hit the curb and the cop behind me turned on his lights and i pulled over, but he turned too soon. so i pulled into this huge maze of parking lots that had appeared between two buildings and waited for the cops to find me. it took them a long time and i was about to leave when they pulled in. the car was filled with 5 or 6 cops, all of them between 6'5" and 6'9". they got out and the lead cop said that i was right on the borderline of breaking the law with the turn, and i explained what happened. he laughed and we just started joking around wiht the cops. the really huge cop was obsessed with matt's bass, and matt was trying to show him how big it was in order to convey the roominess of the for festiva.

then the phone rang because laura called, and i woke up. insaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane

review
Casio PT-10 Keyboard
4 Stars (Out of 5)

i got this keyboard for my 6th birthday. several keys are missing/broken, and it only had 32 to start with. it rocks, though, because it can record a minute or so of playing, it has FOUR different "tones" (piano, violin, flute and fantasy, with only piano sounding remotely like a piano), its very durable and portable, and, best of all, it can play a wicked awesome demo. i love you, keyboard.

how come you never here about someone living in a forgiving land, huh?


jay marriotti is an ass. he makes statements about the white sox that phil rogers and other people many many times more familiar with the sport and with better connections contradict. for instance, today phil rogers says that the white sox should pay ordonez the best they can afford, but points out that they do not make major market money. marriotti wrote about the issue, too. except he said that the white sox are actively trying to run ordonez out of town, that reinsdorf has no interest in signing him, and that the white sox can afford every bit of salary the cubs have (im paraphrasing exaggerating, but thats the basic point of marriotti's article).

what an idiot. i read a lot of baseball press. all there is concerning the white sox, in fact. and not one thing ive read even hints that the the white sox are not extremely interested in bringing ordonez back. in fact, ordonez himself said he felt he was getting plenty of respect from the organization and said they were "very close" to a deal. so go to hell, jay marriotti. when was the last time YOU were hired as a baseball writer for espn? (um, i wasn't hired for that job, but phil rogers was)

also, for the record, reinsdorf is widely considered to be extremely sympathetic and kind to his players. look at jay williams, for instance. the moron basically ends his career by violating his contract and fucking over the bulls royally. what did reinsdorf do? he paid out the balance of williams contract, even though he wasn't obligated to pay the kid a dime.

REVIEW
ehhehhhhh
3 Stars (Out of 5)
hheheeeeeeee ehhh hhee eheheeee ehhhh e hehhhe e hhehhe heheee

another thing thats not funny: making fun of those "priceless" mastercard ads. i cringe every fucking time someone makes a joke that spoofs one. id explain better, but damn, im tired.

spongebob squarepants isnt funny. and its not cool to say you like it. so you can pretend youre in seventh grade and brag about how you watch a childrens cartoon about a retarded sponge, or you can be an adult, which means you can drink coffee and read the paper and stuff. its up to you.

the ramones arent good. they dont rock, and its not cool to say you like them. they were idiots who made a handful of fun, catchy songs 30 years ago and then hung around pointlessly until joey finally kicked the bucket. aknowledge that they were influential, tip your hat, and listen to some decent music for a change. and if youre one of those 13-year-olds stumbling around FYE with a ramones t-shirt, go watch sponge bob, jackass.

the used arent good. they dont rock, and you dont look badass if you say you like them. the lead singer went out with kelly osbourne, the stupidest, worst person on the planet. they rip off glassjaw excessively and they're about as intelligent, rebelious and hard as limp bizkit. also, for the record, limp bizkit is very un-hard and un-rebelious and unintelligent.

the cubs arent cool. theyre a product of excessive marketing hype and an idioticly perky, ignorant fan base. basically, theyre the used of baseball. this is not to say that all cubs fans are morons, but a lot of them are. the white sox had the 4th best record in baseball for the 1990s. the cubs, to put it lightly, did not. the white sox have a decent ballpark to play in, too, and a neighborhood with LOWER crime rates than the northsiders. and unlike the cubs, youre not required to love them as an american, which just makes them that much cooler and non-conformist-y.

REVIEW
Goatees
3 Stars (Out of 5)

go with the abe lincoln instead. or a soul patch. now THOSE are facial hairstyles that dont make you dont look like a fatass idiot.

life kinda sucks right now. so what am i gonna do? i'm gonna buy a ________________!

a. mustang bass
b. new pair of pants
c. box of oreo-os (was laura's favorite)
d. gun

what should i buy? send me an instant message (aim "like a warlord") and let me know! i suspect the following people will reply:

matt

brian flanagan

because my blog is uninteresting and pointless, so only two people i know (yes, i have more than two friends, fuckers) read it regularly. which means theres a distinct possibility i could end up with a tie. which would lead to further indecision, and would just suck.

REVIEW
My Plan
5 Stars (out of 5)

see, look. everyone who actually reads my blog will i.m. me and let me know their choice just to prove they read it...and thus i will get an accurate idea of how many people read this stupid thing! also, this will not help me out in any way. at all.

ever notice how whenever youre sick and have to miss class, but its not a horribly bad thing because the sox games on espn, and you can watch that, the sox always lose while only getting three hits? why the hell is it ALWAYS like that?

(and yes, matt, i fucking told that story before, but just to you.)

i hate school. i hate it a lot. i want it to be over now. and maybe, if im lucky, someone will read this. and call me obsessed with highschool, which i also hated, and make a club about it. fuck you, phillips. your headphones break too easily.

look, im sorry im so pissed right now, but life is really stressful and bad right now, and its kind of funny when im pissed. or thats what my therapist tells me!

(no rimshot, because the drummer couldnt tell it was supposed to be a joke, as it utilizes no humor)

ugh. and yes, matt, i did tell a joke earlier today about my therapist. it went like this:

me: well, doc, the thing is that everyone i know, even my friends, make fun of me behind my back because i always tell the same stories over and over again.

therapist: well, seems to me the problem is paranoia.

me: no, seriously. theyve admitted to it.

therapist: well, i suggest you get a good brand name piece of rope from the hardware store.

me: what? why?

therapist: suicide's creepier when its a hanging.

(drummer recognizes the punchline and delivers the rimshot)

oh, and heres a little disclaimer: i'm NOT suicidal, i'm NOT seeing a therapist and that joke is NOT funny.

REVIEW
the new technology that lets you kill people instantly and you never get in trouble, and not even God considers it immoral behavior
5 Stars (Out of 5)

man, this stuff rocks! oh, wait, it doesnt exist, and never will. thats a shame. i also wish i hadn't paid 30 bucks to saddam huessein for it...




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oh, and one last thing. if i spelled "immoral" or "huessein" or some other word wrong, dont forget to go to hell.

nobody can swing it like something awful.

Rather than having a single plot, Water Closet actually features five slightly interconnected plots about five different girls. To view each plot in its entirety you would have to play through the game a minimum of ten times. That's like someone saying to me "I will give you this sack full of rats, but only if you let me kick you in the groin ten times." -SA Hentai Review

sometimes at night outbreak is on tbs. sometimes at night i sit at my pc, typing in my blog, while watching outbreak. kevin spacey is in it. a virus is in it.

the new wj is hella good, i suggest y'all enjoy it. furthermore, i cant wait for school to be over.

REVIEW
Hentai Reviews
3 Stars (Out of 5)

never before have i encountered something simultaneously both hilarious and absolutely, disgracefully disgusting. but its funny, so i still read em. because what do i care about? come on!

well, spring fuckin break is now fuckin over. some good things came out of it:

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\got to see laura

got a new cord for my bass

got juice boxes

got to relax

got to wrestle justin and bust skull
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point is its done. and for you, that means even more blog updates for you to ignore: even more, than, um, zero for the last week....im sorry.

my vote for the savior of rock:

me.

im well-spoken, thouroughly studied in rock and nicely handsomed. plus i can fuckin shred air with my short-scale bass, mother fucker

REVIEW
Diana Turassi (or however you spell that)
4 Stars (Out of 5)

dont know shit about her, but aparently shes good.