Ron Burgundy: Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast!
Champ Kind: It jumped up a notch!
Ron Burgundy: It did, didn't it?
Brick Tamland: Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart!
Ron Burgundy: I saw that! Brick killed a guy! Did you throw a trident?
Brick Tamland: Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident!
Ron Burgundy: Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.

review
anchorman
5 stars (out of 5)

its only gotten better in my memory! its virtually the definition of hilarity.

jaysus.

"animal cops" and "animal precinct" and whatever else theyre showing on animal planet's "heroes week" are good shows. the basic story goes like this:

someone mistreats a pitbull and/or a pitbull mistreats someone. the aspca deals with the situation, and the family gets a puppy, and the problem happens again. then stabler comes in, and he's like, WHAT? and the bad guys are like, fuck you, law man. and stabler beats the shit out of them. and benson is emotional.

i love law & order: svu, too. i guess that's why i put stabler and benson into my description of animal cops, a totally seperate show. maybe i have a problem? who knows. all that matters is that these shows continue to be on every night to distract me from my home work.

REVIEW
wendy's new salad
1 star (out of 5)

crumpled feta? sick!

"we're goin' downtown, weeya bunna around, and sugar, we're goin' down swinging. i'll be your number one with a bullet, dunna dunna bunna bunna cock it and pull it."


those are the lyrics (honest to god, i dont lie) to the number one song on the cornell radio station, "weeya bunna around, and sugar, we're goin' down (swinging)" by fall out boy. it's a fine example of american songwriting. it has all the trademark qualities; the sharp hooks, the jagged lyrics, the spikey rhythm section, a video featuring a kid who's half deer. basically, its a modern update of a paul simon song. maybe "50 ways to lose your lover." who knows? i certainly don't. if i knew, i'd get a job as a music reviewer at the cornell newspaper.

OH WAIT!

I ALREADY DO THAT!

SUCK ON THAT, YOU RETARDED MONGOLOIDS! HAHRHAHRHAHRAHRHARHHRHARHAHRAHAHA

...but still, i'm not sure which paul simon song it's an update of. number one on our radio station, though.

REVIEW
Sumatra
3 Stars (Out of 5)

interesting fact: it's like java, except the coffee sucks there. also, it's where the term "sumo" in "sumo wrestler" comes from. these two facts are related.

i bought elvis costello's "armed forces" today! for months it had eluded my capture, and now i've overpaid for it to the tune of $21. jesus, i spent 50 bucks today. thats aproximately 40 more than i should have. i should be spending a lot more energy trying to rein in my wreckless spending and less trying to spend wrecklessly. di di need those panera bread bagels? no. but i bought them anyway, and they were gone like 5 minutes later. i need a fucking accountant. bad.

anyways, i'm sure you've noticed that this is my first real post on this bitch in two months. i'm CONVINCED you've noticed. i'll try to update this bitch a little more often from now on. Look for posts on this bitch about basically the same stuff i talk about in my lj, except using the old format (post + review) that i used to use on this bitch back in the day.

REVIEW
AMC Theaters
2 Stars (Out of 5)

look, bros, i don't have any problem with your theaters themselves. theyre pretty sweet, and your mascot is that rock-ass little orchestra conductor guy made out of strips of film. i dig him. the problem is you don't have a fucking single location within 40 miles of mt. vernon iowa. get your act together, morons, and give me a location to use my two free fucking passes!

cubs manager lee elia on wrigley field:

"It's a fucking playground for the cocksuckers."